समय की धारा में, उमर बह जानी है जो घड़ी जी लेंगे, वही रह जानी है|
The dim sunlight shows winter has arrived, an icy serenade, but I was expecting the coolness to bring out the warmth within, while seating in the car with Arvind. I was feeling a numbness, as Arvind was quite most of the time.
I consoled myself. It is anxiety of reaching home or Arvind too is nervous as I was back after 8 years or it is just because of ice-cold weather. A long runway, half blurred by the fog which is very common in winters in North India, and I wanted to wipe it off completely.
This silence is going to win. Let the ice crackle underfoot and say something Arvind. I slide down the window pane, lights turned on, on the road and I heard the lovely voice of chirping birds like everyone is saying Welcome Back. The river appears still, yet it flows under the thinnest of ice, awaiting the gentle touch of the sun, I was feeling the same, while sitting with Arvind.
Wintry tree stand, poised as ballet dancers to show the world their elegance and strength. Now that the leaves have fallen, they are so proud, yes like me although I was going back to home after 8 years of being in coma but still proud that my family is desperately waiting for me.
I looked outside the window again and again to see some familiar buildings. Movie theater, I recalled, Arvind asked me many a time to go along but I was busy always. Tarpan Theatre, he was fond of Play but I hardly accompanied him. Kids, in-laws all were after all my liability.
I looked through the fogged windshield, wipers distracting my tired eyes, “turn left, please, “ Arvind said. “The fourth house to the left”, I was so excited that could not stop myself to complete his sentence. My little ones, who are teens now welcomed with open arms, but I was feeling culpable for those years, when they were in dire need of me and I was not there. As expected
everyone was so elated to see me.
My sister Mini, you still here. O’ my God you got married? Where is your husband? I bombarded the questions the moment she entered. While touching feet of in-laws, I felt the same guilt, how Mom would have managed for arthritis? Who will be giving medicine to my bed ridden Father in law?
For few days I was in a separate room as been told to me, to take rest. My sister Mini was in next room, I got to know she got job in the city only so staying with us and her husband is not in country.
I was trying to adjust with routine. I went to mom’s room to give massage to her feet, to my surprise, she said No as, Mini has deployed a trained maid, who comes twice and a Nurse too for father in law. Our Mini is very smart and active, our Mini? What does that mean? I came back to my room.
I noticed that everyone had a fixed schedule Mini was going to office from there to gym. Arvind was always busy in meetings or going to parties and in evening to clubs. Even one evening he told me, you need rest and otherwise also you never liked theatre me and Mini will go. I tried to go to the kitchen, but my kids said Mom you leave, cook
knows what exactly we like.
I was wondering what to do. I invested my whole life in them only. I missed kitty parties as in laws will suffer, no movie, I can’t go as it is time for kids to come back from school.No, I can’t go along with you for party Arvind, its exam time. No, no I won’t go for outing to Rishikesh with friends. You know Arvind even can’t sleep if I am not around, who will give him breakfast? He can’t decide even which shirt to wear.
But now, I was feeling like an interloper. What have I done with my life. In fact I was feeling mislaid. The maid, the cook, the Nurse all have replaced me. It was not yet over finally I got to
know that Arvind got married with Mini. I was shattered. I left the house and came to Nanital at my friends’ place. Although no one wanted that but it was the right decision that moment.
I am pouring my heart out just to share, live your life. Despite being a progressive nation India today continue to celebrate its women for putting their needs behind those of other and I too did this became a caregiver and people-pleaser. No one is indispensable. There are times when you realize you are an option for others and not a priority. I t might sound counter-intuitive, but the reality is people like you because you make them the priority.
Expand your horizons, otherwise one day you will be like me sitting alone on window writing your diary and to spend life alone. Its never too late.
So sometimes, do yourself the favor, be high-maintenance, make some demands, Live
for yourself. Explore the world.
“Stop thinking that you have got another day to do what you should do today, because you may not”
― Sunday Adelaja, No One Is Better Than You.